Omar takes a page from “Lost”

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Mets fans, never fear. Omar Minaya may not have made significant changes to the team over the off season, but his current plans go beyond mere trades and acquisitions. Omar Minaya is taking a page from TV’s Lost. Do you remember the heartbreak of 2006’s NLCS game 7? Of 2007? 2008? Good grief, 2009? Of course you do. But don’t worry…soon,  you won’t.

Given the limited availability of free agents this year, and the Mets’ lack of coveted tradable prospects, Omar is taking a more drastic approach. Inspired by noted physicist Daniel Faraday, Omar has gotten his hands on the core of a nuclear bomb, which he plans to detonate on the former location of Shea Stadium. “We are very excited about this partnership, okay?” Omar said in a recent press conference. “We explored all options, okay? And this option–this procedure, it seemed to be the one that would be most beneficial to our team. We are not a losing team. This is a winning team. And we are always trying to find ways to get better. All we need to do is detonate this nuclear core, okay? We need to reset the past three years so that the Mets can be the best team we can be. And this nuclear bomb will allow us to do that.”

When the imminent “reset” occurs, it is expected that in the 9th inning of 2006’s NLCS, Carlos Beltran will swing at Adam Wainwright’s ball, driving in at least two runs with bases loaded. Once the Mets win the pennant that year, they will go on to easily defeat the Tigers, becoming 2006 World Series champions. High on that year, 2007 will see no glimmer of collapse, and 2008 will be similarly solid.

As for 2009, Minaya hinted that the front office was examining another strategy from Lost, a temple with what he is calling “healing waters.” It is expected that the Mets’ medical staff will be replaced by a Japanese temple master in a leather vest. Although no more information is available at this time, it is likely that these magic waters are all that could possibly save the Mets’ 2009 season. The Mets expect the temple to be ready by the time of the nuclear detonation.

(*Shout out to buddy Jared, whose photoshop work you have seen before, for his help here. Of course, once the reset happens, those banners will have never been created…)

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